Semanticspeak

In the eighties there was a weekly report being submitted in our organisation to the Management Committee on a few important areas of our Zonal Office's working. These would be discussed week after week and mid-course corrections would be decided upon wherever warranted in the light of the performance indicated therein. In our weekly reports we were giving statistics of the various activities of the bank.The statistics were of course cooked up freshly each week showing a steadily improving trend in the Bank's business and profits. Our weekly reports were showing a positive growth in all sectors ,especially those  which have been identified as special thrust areas.

One of the special thrust areas was the financing of the milch cattle .While the cows were chewing their cud in their place,we were showing a healthy growth in this sub-sector. For 50 weeks we had been showing increasing exposure to this sector of financing.It was as though the milch cattle population in our catchment area was multiplying at a breath-taking pace.Everyone was happy. Then one day my boss had returned from the Corporate Center with  bad news .At the Corporate Center he got a miserable dressing- down for over- performance in  milch cattle financing and was told very clearly that he should ,by hook or by crook,reduce the exposure in the next 20 weeks. The boss came back and passed down the Corporate Center's unhappiness to all of us. He lectured to us on our failure in keeping him informed of the latest corporate directives and squarely blamed us for the debacle at the Corporate Center.

The officer who was instrumental in the submission of the figures was asked to retrieve the situation."You want to reduce the exposure over the next 20 weeks ? No problem,sir,that shall be done" .After that the milch cattle population froze at the same level for two weeks and thereafter started showing a declining trend .By the end of 20 weeks the level of finance reached what it was fifty weeks ago.

On the door of the toilet in the first class A.C. coach ,there is a sign which reads as "Only for first class A.C. class passengers,others will be penilized".The message to the others is loud and clear. They cannot say later that they have not been warned .

"I have to advise that your return of unclaimed liabilities as the end of 31st March 2008 is not in hand. Please arrange to submit the same .We request you to ensure that the matter is accorded top priority and the needful is done at the earliest "

The communication is addressed by the H.O. to its branch office. "The return is not in hand"-everything is in third party reporting format. It is the fault of the return that it is not yet in hand. Here the branch has not failed to submit  it but only the return is not in hand. The imperative is to ensure that the needful is done. As to what is the needful, the branch ought to know.

 "at the earliest" is vague about the expected date of the receipt of the return. Perhaps the H.O. is not very serious about the receipt per return of post .There is still room for the branch to decide about the dispatch date and the branch  should ensure that the matter is accorded top priority.

In office communications it is only the inanimate things like "returns,' "matter","needful" seem to be moving and active  with self-propelled locomotion. Human beings are self-effacing.

"A team of Crime branch led by T.I. Satyendra Pandey and his men camped in Bhatpara just to study the patterns of thefts committed by the gang since the onset of February. Their efforts bored fruitful results when they caught hold of the gang members on Wednesday evening.Off the four arrested ,the thieves duo were identified as two real brothers namely Dinesh alias Kondhi (20) and Lakhan alias Chotu(12),sons of Ganesh Sahu , a resident of Bhatapara.Two more persons alleged for purchasing stolen goods from the thieves were given names as Jaleswar Yadav(30) and Santosh Kumar alias Lallu(32). At the instance of the four accused, the CCB sleuths recovered 44 mobile phones,27 chargers,4 DVD players, 3 colors televisions etc etc., etc.,The gang was more notorious than the others….Finally with their arrest, the business community ofBhatpara can breathe a sigh of relief and also the Raipur Police”

I love this piece which I have come upon in the Hitavada, a daily published from Nagpur with a local edition for Raipur. We are not talking about the poor English skills evident in the report. What is more interesting is the way in which the report explores the exciting possibilities of using English to describe a uniquely Indian situation by modifying the meaning content of each word .If this were not King’s English, what difference would it make ? Leaving aside the linguistic nuances, the comic possibilities are fascinating.

A)    The crime branch officials have been camping at Bhatpara since the onset of February. Interesting use of the word “onset”. As if February is a season. While using the word here, February becomes much more than a month .Imagine the beginning of the hot season, the shortening of the shadows and the fragrant flowering that has begun in the mango trees.

B) “off the four accused ,the thieves duo were identified as two real brothers”-Interesting use of the word “duo” which is used here to distinguish the two thieves together as a pair from the gang of four. But what is fascinating is the assertion that the two are in fact “real” brothers, just in case you have any doubt. They are not fake brothers, but genuine siblings. Actually, in the Indian context the word real brother has a different connotation. A real brother is your own brother ,born of the same parents, as distinguished from a “cousin”, who is also loosely referred to as a brother. The kinship ties that exist between two cousins of the family can be appreciated only of one is familiar with the Indian milieu.

C)    “The gang was more notorious than the others”-A grammar purist may wince at the idea of the usage of “more notorious than others”. If we can permit the usage  “more famous than others” , we can surely permit “more notorious” .If you still believe it is wrong to use “more notorious”, that is your problem.

D)”Finally with their arrest the business community of Bhatpara can breathe a sigh of relief and also the police”-Apparently both the business community and the police are waiting to breathe a sigh of relief and the arrest will now give them an opportunity to breathe one.

E)”At the instance of the four accused, the police recovered 44 mobile phones ,etc., etc., .Apparently the initiative came from the four accused and it is at their instance that the police recovered all that stuff. We must admire the positive thoughts of the accused ,who have gone out of the way to help the police in the recovery of the stolen stuff.

In our office party Mrs.Malaprop gave a fine music performance . She was thrilled when we gave her a standing ovulation.Her husband has a roaming eye .He had actually crushed her sister in the last family function. She cannot forgive his infidibulation . It is okay if once in a while he flings a neighbour's teenage girl but imagine he is indulging  brazenly in adulteration when she is away at her parents' place.

Mrs.Malaprop has a brother who has a kidney problem. For a long time he has been using a cathedral for passing urine. He needs the help of a male sister for this.

We were talking about the super-ego of one of our senior colleagues and a colleague said "He thinks the sun shines through the nether part of his anatomy" .Some of us objected to the remark for the reason it was not a decent thing to say about one of our senior colleagues.  "Okay,okay ,I don't mean that ; all I have said was that he thinks the sun was shining through the nether part of his anatomy .

By which he seemed to  mean that the senior colleague thought the sun was shining through the nether part of his (the sun's ) anatomy!

A police chief  has come up with a novel idea to tackle the rising crime rate.“If someone comes to rape you, use your mobile phone to record it,” he said.